


Of the Other Side of Dimensional Travel

by Ilsia



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Crack, Dimension Travel, Do not in any way or form take this seriously, F/M, Gen, Multi, Parody, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-06-07
Packaged: 2018-02-03 19:08:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1754859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilsia/pseuds/Ilsia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of all the ways Harry thought he would die, being killed by himself wasn’t one. Then again, the ways he thought he would die mostly included Uncle Vernon or spoiled tuna, and if he was strictly honest, it wasn’t technically dying if your mind was taken over by someone - never mind it was your very own self.</p><p>A.K.A.: Harry of a different universe taking over himself in another one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of the Other Side of Dimensional Travel

**Author's Note:**

> This was an older work, written somewhen in 2009-2010, and posted originally on fanfiction.net. It's meant to be crack and a parody, and to poke fun at fandom clichés, hopefully without offending anyone - it's supposed to be taken with a pinch of salt and lots of humour. While I love the original books and several of the fandom clichés to death, some plot holes in them could hold a good sized dinosaur.

**Of The Other Side of Dimensional Travel**

* * *

 

 

Of all the ways Harry thought he would die, being killed by himself wasn't one. Then again, the ways he thought he would die mostly included Uncle Vernon or spoiled tuna, and if he was strictly honest, it wasn't technically dying if your mind was taken over by someone - never mind it was yourself - and you were left an observer.

It wasn't as if he had been killed. Just trapped. Though perhaps death would've been preferable to watching the world go by, unable to do anything. At least the Other Harry was keeping him entertained with the way he was doing things. Original Harry didn't think he would've managed to do half of the things the Other Harry did.

It all started - or ended, if you wanted to look at it like that - the day Harry received his letter. One moment he was staring at the green ink, then he was staring through and at himself staring at the green ink. The change was so small he didn't immediately realize anything _had_ changed, until his hands had shoved the letter to his pants on their own.

After that, he was an observer in his own body. The memories and thoughts of the Other Harry, though Original in his own world, had started to filter through when he slept, which was mostly when the Other Harry slept, or when he was doing something boring like studying. There had been a war with some lab escapist mutation hybrid called Moldysnort - he wondered who would pick that kind of a name for their experiment - and apparently it hadn't been pretty at all. Moldysnort had something against the Other Harry, and took it out on his friends, who for some reason enjoyed throwing themselves at him every chance they got. Maybe the Other World had bred a suicidal gene along with the stick waving gene into its occupants.

Long story short, the Other Harry had angsted, married someone slipping him steroids, and then decided to murder some poor version of himself in another dimension - to be honest, the Invader Harry hadn't actually been very bright, and therefore hadn't considered what would become of his other dimensional self - in an attempt to marry someone(s) who had died the first time around.

Harry just wished he had picked some other dimension. Being stuck watching emo memories was not his idea of a good time. At least, he thought, the Other Harry had interesting plans set in motion. His memories had cleared up some of the upcoming events and how he planned to change them, and for now Harry was all for change. He didn't want to become a skinny four-eyes that spent all of his life getting girl snot on himself only to find himself married to someone who's life goal was to off her husband at the first chance. He wondered if he would've ended up doing all the same things and the dimensional hop if not for this Harry Number Two. Where was free will when you needed it?

The first thing the Other Harry did upon arriving, after shoving the letter away, was some impressive stickless hand waving - it distantly reminded Harry the Original of the poses he had seen people do on the screen of Dudley's computer - that caused the Dursleys to act like there was no little boy named Harry living in the cupboard, and had never been. If Harry were to wave his hand in front of their faces, they would've walked on even if they bumped into him. Harry was literally air to them. He wished he could've known that trick before.

It also became clear very fast that the Other Harry couldn't hear or even sense his Original companion. Several attempts at yelling and trying to get his body to do something proved that. Sometimes Harry wondered if it had to do with the boy's general one focus mind, or if it was just the way these things worked.

With the Dursleys ignoring him, the Other Harry proceeded to step 2 of his list. Yes, he was keeping a list, one Original Harry was acutely aware of, with the way the list kept slamming into him every time the Other Harry had to bring it forth, which was remarkably often. Being hit by a mental piece of paper was surprisingly painful. Harry called it The Idiot's Guide to Getting Laid. Because, really, that's what it was. Taking care of a mad guy with self announced lordhood and senile, stoned, overgrown dwarves with gold glitter stuck in their eyes were just stepping stones on the path.

Step 2 for Other Harry was, surprisingly, running away. Harry didn't see much point with the way the Dursleys were already ignoring him, but supposed it had something to do with the senile old man called Dumb Le Door (maybe mutatism came with derangement, if the names were any indication). Apparently the man had dementia and thought himself God, or something like that.

Just like that, Harry found himself the proud owner of a non-existent house, a shrivelled dwarf of different kind, several dwarf heads on the wall and an acute case of emo. The place was very unfittingly named, proving that people with bad names continued the trend. Grin Mauled (or perhaps it was their way of telling you to stop smiling, or you'll be mauled?) was a grey, depressing house that made Harry wonder if the Other Harry wasn't a masochist. No, scratch that, he already knew the boy was one. All that angsting couldn't be unwilling.

Steps 3 and 4 included mad training and dark rituals and the help of Goblins and grand inheritances. Harry was starting to wonder which B-grade movie the Other Harry had come out of, but went along with the ride mostly because he had no choice. To his surprise, there _were_ grand inheritances, rituals, helpful Goblins and mad training. Based on the Other Harry's memories he had expected their body to end up dead all too soon with a botched up ritual, goblin knife in the eye and badly placed paper cuts, but perhaps this dimension had some things different from the invader one.

The Goblins had sneered pleasantly at Other Harry's request to do an inheritance test, then declared him the descendant of all the four Founders and Merlin without any testing. All of 3 minutes later Harry left the place with the new name of Harold Harrison Harvey Haley Hares Harriet Hans Hale Haste Hari Hamlet Hatori Slytherin-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff-Merlin-Potter. The goblins had insisted on 3 new names for every new relation. Apparently goblins telling you you're someone else also required new looks, since he didn't remember having 4 foot long hair or wings, pointed ears, horns, 12 tails, tattoos, another set of wings, colour changing eyes, fox ears besides the pointed ones, scales, fur or eye at the back of his head before. The Other Harry was remarkably ignoring these changes, as was everyone else around him in the very busy place - perhaps it was normal to be a walking limb system here - and after getting some money, left the goblin inhabited bank to purchase some memories and potions to increase his powers and knowledge. He was too lazy for studying, Harry knew that well from his position as an observer.

Apparently being 8/9 animal wasn't enough for the Other Harry, he wanted to house some of his bretheren too. With that thought, they browsed through Diagon Alley, Horizont Alley, Vertic Alley, Longitudin Alley, Knockturn Alley and Turn, Nook! Alley at their leisure. Or the Other Harry's at least. Harry wondered if he should be upset at the way the invader was treating their body and property. Soon he was the new owner of a basilisk egg (10 000 years old if you could believe the salesman), a black asp (perhaps as food for the other snakes), two rune spoors (who kept bickering witch each and self other), an ashwinder, an owl (he named her Wighead), a phoenix (who knew you could buy one in Knockturn), a bat (it was a _really_ special pink bat, though), a kitsune (which was apparently the reincarnation of some demon fox from somewhere, with a total of 9 tails - he distantly heard the Other Harry think "Ha, I have 12!" to it), a carp fish (for who knows what reason), a raccoon (just to destroy their new apartment) and a thing with more eyes than it seemed to have the surface for. Harry theorized it had eyes below the eyes to make up an eyed body of some sort.

Their zoo complete, and the animals taken away by the whining shrivelled dwarf - which Harry assumed would be dead on their return, given the nature of the animals he was carting - Other Harry proceeded to buy himself wands from every wand shop on the streets. Considering Ollivander's reputation as the best and _only_ wand maker in London, there was a surprisingly good selection to look at. The grumpy old man at Knockturn sold them an elder wood branch with no core, claiming it was The Wand of Doom, and ushering them out after a suspicious glance around. The cheery young lady with red hair at Vertic Alley made them a custom wand using two woods of clashing colours - neon green and bright red - and five cores, namely hair of a unicorn, phoenix feather, basilisk poison, giant squid ink and spit of a dementor. Harry didn't know dementors had spit, but since they obviously had mouths, perhaps they had spit as well. Maybe they even needed to take a dump like humans. With the image of a soul dump going through the pipes wailing on its way in his head, they went to the wand maker of Turn, Nook! Alley, who wasn't. As in, he wasn't. Or she. Or it. Simply wasn't, in any case, so they got their wand from thin air. Or fat if you wish. Alas, that meant they had no idea what the wand was made of. Examining it didn't do much good either, considering it was invisible. At least it might come in strategically useful if they could find it when the need arose. Horizont Alley and Longitudin Alley went much in the same pattern, leaving them with 3 more wands (the wi-being of Horizont only sold twin wands) of various appearances and even more variable cores, with only the famous Ollivander's left to explore. By now, to hold up to its fame, Ollivander's was pretty much required to relocate to the stomach of a Dragon, contain trip inducing chemicals and replace its owner with a reincarnated God of socks. Woefully, it had none of these things, and Harry was left feeling slightly cheated and the owner of a plain, holly wand with only a single core. False advertisement really ran the wizarding world, too.

While the Other Harry was practicing with his Other (and older) Wand, Original Harry was firmly shut away in their mind, avoiding peeking through their eyes at all costs. As he had expected, the weird dwarf had been dead when they got back. Good for him, really, seeing as the thing had been pleading for them to kill it since they stepped in the house. When it had time from all the insults, at least. Now that the house was full of animals running around, and the pink bat had somehow eaten the screeching portrait, the place was almost cozy. Though Harry suspected they would get hungry soon without the useful dwarf cooking them old socks. They had surprisingly good nutritional value, and despite his best efforts, house elves apparently struggled to make anything taste bad. Even socks.

* * *

 

* * *

It had been a few days since their impromptu shopping and genetic makeover trip - why leave it at the out when you can change the in - and as Harry had predicted, their mind was vastly improved thanks to potions and bought memories, likely highly illegal and stolen from lots of dead corpses in ways best left unmentioned. The Other Harry, with his vast amount of knowledge and limbs, had deduced they were ready to make Voldie their new house elf with the ease a 5-year old eats a pencil, but Dumb Le Door could still prove slightly difficult. Therefore, they were going to spend remainder of summer getting some more memory juices and illegally extracting gifts, like turning into an animal. Apparently being 8/9 chimera wasn't enough, he wanted to be a 9/9 one. Not that it was going to work. Harry knew already, being part of the Mind, that their form would be that of a hoverfly, thanks to all the genetic matter wasted on the additional limbs. There just wasn't enough left over for a fancy animagus form. Too late now, Harry2! Was it weird to gloat about your own faults to yourself?

The rest of the summer passed quickly, with Harry mostly dozing in the background while the Other Harry was knocked out absorbing memories. It was becoming very clear that the memories were just that, memories - not knowledge in the pure form or skills without addons. They were changing the Other Harry's personality, as well, and his mental To-Do-List was starting to show some of that effect with increasingly brutal ways of offing not just Moldy and Dumb, but anything standing in his way - Harry supposed most of the memories, being pretty complicated and uncommon knowledge and all, came from wizards and witches either extremely deep into dark arts, or very much insane and proud of it, thank you very much. Not that Harry minded all that much, since their plans got grander and more complicated with every absorbed memory. It was quite a degradation from "Kill Moldy" to "Use x to tell y that the e is found at point c, when b sees that a is running with the information from t, where the flying g will hit the h and u steals o from p, causing r to hit x with c's you-know-½." The less details, the less can go wrong, after all. Oh well, at least it would be entertaining.

When the time to leave for Ho' Quartz - another silly name - came, the Other Harry was a whole new Harry indeed. Harry was somewhat glad the effects of the potions didn't reach him - even if he got to see most of the memories, they weren't part of his memories, just viewed stuff stolen from others. Other Harry hadn't been so lucky, but then again he was the one who had to take down a dark lord. Perhaps it was for the Greater Good.

They were an hour early reaching the King's Cross station, and the platform 9¾ was curiously quiet. The red steam train was already there, luckily, so they looked for a nice compartment at the front part of the train - to avoid having to walk as much - and sat down to wait. Taking out his wand, Harry2 did some very suspicious spell work for a first year, making the door repel any males and give females the incentive to enter. After that, Other Harry was quick to fall asleep, making Harry1 glad he often slept with his eyes half open - creepy, no doubt, but at least it left him with something to watch, besides blank emptyness.

After around half an hour of counting the cracks in the wall, and then 5 minutes of counting the pillars outside when Other Harry twitched his head to the side, students were starting to filter through the barrier. Harry wondered once again at the use of the train, when people could just use the floo or get a professor to apparate them in the case of the muggleborn, and avoid the long trip to Scotland. He figured it was a good thing they had found a way to hide all the extra stuff on their body, since no one was pointing at their window. Given, their eyes still tended to change colour and they looked nothing like James and Lily, if that's who they originally looked like, but at least they weren't sprouting a multitude of ears, wings and tails any longer.

It was soon that the first girl wandered in their compartment, glancing behind her quite confusedly - Harry caught sight of a boy marching in the opposite direction in a very zombie like fashion from the corner of their eye - before closing the door and taking a look at him. She cleared her throat, thankfully waking the Other Harry up so that Harry1 got a good look at her too. She was quite pretty, Harry had to give her that, and based on their memories would go in Slytherin - Careen Crass or something, another silly name for a stick waver. Other Harry smiled at her.

"Hello, are you a first year too?" he asked flashing their perfect, white teeth. The girl swooned a little, perhaps thanks to their natural charm - apparently their inheritance included some veela, despite the impossibility of that due to there being no male veela, ever. They all died of blood poisoning or something. Harry had quickly learned not to question anything when it came to their shared body.

"Y-yes", she said, appearing to be gaining some of her senses back if the suspicious look was anything to go by. Clearing her throat, she sat down and threw them a cold glance.

"I'm Daphne Greengrass."

The lilting tone at the end clearly suggested she expected to hear their name in return. Harry only hoped the Other Harry wasn't planning to give her the full version, it'd likely make her fall asleep on the spot. Thank Merlin (in this case, literally, given that he had gifted them with some of their genes and wit) he wasn't quite that stupid.

"I'm Harrison Merlin", he said smiling again. Harry wondered at the reasons for that last name, but perhaps it was the easiest to pronounce. Besides, it was entirely possible for there to be other Merlins out there. The original had been dead for a long while, now.

"Merlin?" Greengrass asked, looking doubtful.

"Yes, apparently he was a great-great-great-great-great-add-a-few-more-greats-grandfather or something of my mother's."

"That's… something", Greengrass said, the doubtful look replaced with a calculating one. Harry guessed they would be close friends with Greengrass from now on.

The train hooted, a clear sign it was about to depart, when the department door opened again, this time admitting two girls at once. The first one had red hair and a timid smile, while the other looked quite condescending and was probably a distant relative of raccoons if the teeth were anything to go by. Susan Bones, proud owner of the skeletal structure in her body, and Hermione Granger, probably a descendant of an upstanding farmer, his memory supplied. He noted the Other Harry was smiling his flashy smile again, trying to show as much teeth as possible.

"Hello", the bushy haired girl said coolly, her gaze lingering on the slight wrinkle at the left side of his shirt and the curl ¼ out of position on the back of Greengrass' head. Harry noted the curl immediately arranged itself, as if aware of being the focus of someone's attention and wondered if Greengrass was the greener grass on the other side of outer space or if he would find Other Harry researching hair care spells next. A muted flick of their wand smoothed the offending wrinkle from their shirt, and the Granger girl's smile was much warmer when she sat down.

"Was that magic? I didn't hear you say an incantation, was it wordless magic? I hear that's awfully difficult, I'm Hermione Granger by the way and this is Susan Bones."

Harry blinked at the speed of the words, feeling a bit dazed and noting the timid nod the timidly timid girl offered them, with the ever present timid smile.

"Nice to meet you", Other Harry greeted, ignoring the question. "I'm Harrison Merlin, and the beautiful lady sitting next to you is Daphne Greengrass."

Harry wanted to gag.

* * *

 

* * *

Hogwarts really was a magnificent sight no matter how many times you saw it. The train ride had passed pleasantly enough, with all of them sharing stories about their first magic or tales they had heard about Hogwarts. Not surprisingly, Greengrass wanted to get into Slytherin, Bones said she was fine with whatever and Granger had been set on Gryffindor until Other Harry pointed out brash action and bravery were really quite unbecoming of her wits, since - though this was left unsaid - that was pretty much all she had going for her.

They had only been interrupted twice, once when an upper year girl - Spin Net, Harry's memory supplied - had passed through the compartment, muttering about annoying boys she'd never understand, and the second time when a toad somehow opened the door on its own and hopped through. The Other Harry had been very amused by the fact that the toad Trevor was, in fact, female. Not that he shared the source of his laughter with the others.

Now sitting on the boats slowly rocking towards Hogwarts and staring in wonder at the sight in front of him, Harry really had to question the plans of his alter. Then again, he thought, perhaps the scenery couldn't be ruined with something so simple - a few graves on the lawns might enhance the beauty and mystery that was Hogwarts. Castles _did_ have that gothic feel to them.

They were led to the castle gates by a giant of some sort, Hag Rid (perhaps a former hag who had a sex change operation after growing bored of being a giant female, when giant males got all the action?), who kept glancing around looking for something - or someone. Harry had no doubt it was his little and very different self the former hag wanted to find. Unfortunately for him, he'd never find what he was looking for, considering it included glasses, shortness, messy hair and green eyes. Well, unless there was another student who fit the bill in the crowd. Not all that impossible.

Finally giving up the lost cause, the ex-hag banged the doors with enough force to kill horses and they were opened by a stern looking woman who had probably lost a relative the previous day based on the look on her face. Mac Gone-a-gal, his mind supplied, and Harry cringed. Perhaps sex changes were the new in at Hogwarts. The ex-lad bid goodbye to her colleague-in-more-ways-than-one and proceeded to lead the gawking crowd of first years into some kind of entrance hall.

Giving them stern looks and The Gaze of Doom Harry was painfully familiar with from his past with the Dursleys, the former man started to snap out a list of rules for them to follow, describe what they were expected to do, and berate their appearance without actually using words to do so. Harry was impressed.

After the departure of the wo-man, the first years broke out in whispers and excited chatter. A red haired boy was claiming they were going to fight a troll, and Other Harry snorted quietly.

"What do you think the sorting will be like?" Hermione asked him, curiously.

"I assume it's a test to define our personalities", Other Harry answered her, probably trying to sound smart. This time it was Greengrass who snorted.

"It's a talking hat. My father told me about it", she said.

Harry felt like raising his eyebrows. Wasn't the hat supposed to be a closely guarded secret to preserve the mystery of the sorting or whatnot? Apparently the pureblood crowd really wasn't one for following the rules. Well, it hardly mattered in any case.

Sudden spooked oohs and aahs drew their attention from the conversation to the other side of the hall, where a good number of ghosts had just floated through the wall. The high pitched screech from the red haired boy with troll fantasies gained the attention of the floating see-throughlies, making them stop to stare. Apparently humans are as interesting to ghosts as ghosts are to humans.

"First years! Waiting to be sorted?" a fat ghost asked kindly. Harry wondered if ghosts could lose weight, or if ectoplasm was harder to shed than fat. In fact, the ghost couldn't really be called fat since it didn't have any of the matter. Perhaps the correct term would be ectoplasmed?

"Yes", Other Harry answered the ghost's question when none of the first years seemed to be willing to do so anywhen soon. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

Really, he wasn't so much polite as politically aware and maintaining a good image with the crowd watching him.

"I hope to see you in my house", the electoplasmed man beamed at him.

"I'm sure", Other Harry smiled at him somewhat coolly. Harry1 assumed he was feeling insulted for even being suggested he could end up in Hufflepuff, which the ghost had belonged to if their memories were right.

The stern looking lady chose that moment to come back, and noting the ghosts quickly ushered them on, then turning to snap a few quick words to the first years led them on through the doors and into a grand hall full of whispering students. And the hat on a stool. Greengrass smirked smugly at Other Harry.

The hat sang its usual ear-splitting song before quieting down to the relieved sigh from Other Harry. Gods, but with a voice like that even singing lessons were bound to only make it worse. Mac Gone-a-Gal was standing next to the now blessedly silent hat with a crinkled list she started to snap names out of. All the students called approached the stool with slightly different demeanor and Harry wondered if the walk to the stool was supposed to be some sort of torture to prepare the rookies for the coming years of house rivalry.

When it was Bones' turn, Harry observed with a little more interest than previously. Apparently she had been a Hufflepuff in Other Harry's dimension, and he was betting on a repeat. So far all the students had gone to the same houses as in the other dimension. Indeed, it didn't take long for the hat to come out with "Hufflepuff!"

Granger, he mused while watching the bushy haired girl eagerly run to the stool, could prove a break from the mold. After all, in the previous dimension she had fought with the hat quite long to get to Gryffindor, and this time had incentive to actually _not_ do so - perhaps the Ravens would get the highest marks in the school this time around.

The hat thought for a while longer than with Bones, but not as long as with some other students. "Ravenclaw!" it announced to the hall and the table under the blue raven banner gave a polite applause. Other Harry smirked.

Greengrass followed Granger, approaching the stool with calmness not many first years managed. Harry wondered if she'd make Slytherin once more or perhaps join Ravenclaw like Granger had - he was rather expecting Slytherin, though, considering the calculating gleam that often appeared in Greengrass' eyes. She seemed to weigh everything through the benefit it gained her. And indeed, it took only a minute for the hat to settle on "Slytherin!"

Harry tuned out rest of the sorting, content to watch the head table and the professors while their attention was on the first years. He was startled out of his musings by the call of his name, and noted that Other Harry was the third student to manage the calm collectedness Greengrass had portrayed. A mister Malfoy had been the second. He wondered how his new name had ended up on the list, as he hadn't received a letter, but discarded the thought with some feelings of gratitude for being earlier on in the alphabet now than before. He was getting quite tired of standing.

Sitting on the stool and letting the hat cover his eyes, he settled for a boring wait of blankness while the hat analysed Other Harry - only to be surprised by a rather grainy voice greeting him.

"Well, this is a surprise", the grainy voice remarked.

"Excuse me?" Harry mentally asked, quite surprised the hat was able to sense him when Other Harry couldn't. Then again, he was in the Mind, which the hat supposedly scanned.

"Your situation is quite unique, Mr. Potter - or is it Mr. Merlin now?"

"For all that I know, I'm still a Potter - nevermind the body", Harry answered a little petulantly. It's not like anyone had asked him about the name change.

"Indeed - the problem is, I'm supposed to scan the thoughts and mind of the students, and since you're the forefront of the mind, you make up a unique Occlumentic shield I can't pass."

Occlumentic shield?

"If I were anything less than I am, say, a person, I wouldn't be able to see a mind at all! As it stands, however, all I can scan is you."

Well, the hat probably didn't want to scan Other Harry's mind anyways, not with the new memories that made up most of it. It wasn't a pretty sight, really, and he knew that firsthand having to live in it and all.

"As it appears that Mr. Merlin is starting to get quite worried of the silence, I think I'll have to ask your opinion on his house. You are, after all, the one who knows him best - and while I would love to chat longer, the sorting must continue and I doubt Mr. Merlin will be able to keep his worries to himself much longer."

Mentally blinking at the hat's long monologue, Harry felt quite flummoxed. He was an occlumency shield? Well, that was new. Damn Harry for gaining another advantage from having the Original stuck in his mind. Then again - said Original had the choice on Harry's new house. He could almost feel the evil cackle threatening to break out.

Not much later, the hat cheerfully yelled out "Hufflepuff!"

* * *

 

* * *

If Harry could say it himself, the way his counterpart stumbled and fell from the stool he had just started to uneasily stand up from (probably thanks to the hat's long silence - to him, that is) following the hat's shout was hilarious, and say it he could. Well, metaphorically speaking at least.

There was an uncertain applause from the table wearing the ugly yellow and black crest and chatter broke out, no doubt thanks to the long sorting, the stumbling and the name of the sorted student being Merlin. A Merlin in Hufflepuff was probably a surprise to them, let alone there even being a Merlin at all. Harry smirked mentally. He could already feel the gears turning in Other Harry's mind as he tried to figure out ways to salvage the situation. Harry wondered if he really was too far gone to realize the benefits of being in the house no one would suspect.

While Other Harry was unstably making his way towards the clapping and murmuring table, all the while thinking furiously, Harry observed the corners of their view and noted down the expressions on the faces of the professors. Snape was sneering indifferently, no change from Other Harry's memories, while the headmaster looked curious and thoughtful, stroking his beard absently. The current housing of Moldy Snort was staring at him very piercingly, probably pondering the benefits of converting Merlin to the forces of Darkness but confused about how to go about wooing a Hufflepuff. Mac Gone-a-Gal was behind them so out of their sight, unfortunately. Harry figured she probably didn't think much of yet another student going to yet another house unimportant to her.

The hat kept calling out house names behind their back, and by the time they seated themselves next to Abbot, smiling in greeting - Other Harry had managed to gather his wits along the way somewhere - Mac Gone-a-Gal was calling for another Patil after the first rushed towards Gryffindor. Harry assumed their previous self would be in turn soon. And indeed, after the hat sent the other Patil to Ravenclaw and a ms. Perks to join Harry at the Hufflepuff table, Mac Gone-a-Gal called out a name that made the whole Great Hall fall silent. Harry marvelled at the ability of his name to produce such an effect - silencing a hallful of children wasn't an easy feat, he knew that first hand.

"Potter, Harry", Mac Gone-a-Gal called out again when no one stepped forward. Harry wondered what their reaction would be when they realized there wouldn't be a Potter attending Hogwarts this year or the next, or any year after that - not as far as they'd know, at least.

Clearing her throat and glancing nervously towards the head table as murmurs started to break out again, Mac Gone-a-Gal called out his name one last time with the same results as before. Forced to acknowledge there would be no Harry Potter walking to the stool, she continued on to the next name on the list as a full cacophony of voices broke out drowning her words with the mass of sudden chatter and confused yelling.

Suddenly there was a screech of a chair being forcefully pushed backwards, and the voice of the headmaster bellowed out.

"Silence!"

The chattering quieted down as people turned to look at the leader of the school twinkling at them understandingly.

"While I understand your concern for Mr. Potter's location, I assure you the matter will be looked into. At the moment, I fear you will have to hold onto your lines of thought a while longer, as we continue the sorting. You will be free to converse as you wish after you retire to your respective common rooms or during the feast, but for now please remain quiet while we finish sorting our fresh faces to their new homes. Thank you."

A little grumbling or murmur still carried on here and there, but Mac Gone-a-Gal was able to continue calling forth bewildered students as the sorting continued. Harry wondered how the headmaster would be looking into his matter, and whether the Dursleys would receive a person asking after someone they had never heard of on their doorstep. That is if the spell Other Harry had placed on them when they got their letter still held.

After Zabini, Blaise had sat down at the Slytherin table, the headmaster stood again, smiling at them as if he had never seen anything as joy inducing as a hall full of children waiting to get into trouble. Other Harry snorted quietly to himself. After welcoming them all and suggesting they break their stomaches, he finished his speech as Harry mouthed along with him: "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you."

Reaching for the food that appeared, Harry turned to observe the others at his table and hold quiet conversation with Abbot and Bones. The girls were eager enough to tell him anything, happy to just have someone to talk to in a table full of strangers. Other Harry rose from the table with the rest of the students much more knowledgeable about the Hufflepuff girls' backgrounds.

The Hufflepuff dormitories were located in the basement area, near the dungeons. Other Harry had never visited them before so Harry felt his curiosity justified - this was, for once, something new to both of them. The prefects lead them to a rather dull painting of a forest scenery and spoke the password - "Unity" - to get in. Other Harry smothered a snort.

The common room was as hideous as the crest had been, in Harry's opinion, done in shades of yellow and black. It made him wonder if the founders had played rock-paper-scissors over the house colours, and Hufflepuff forgot to be present. Not that it really mattered, they'd probably be colour blind before the end of the year.

The prefects paused before some suspiciously badgery tunnels apparently leading to the sleeping quarters and turned to address the first years staring at them with big eyes. Other Harry was doing his best to imitate a statue and disappear in the background.

"Hufflepuff may be called the 'back-up' house of Hogwarts - they claim we take whomever fails to fit in the other houses, but rest assured that is not true. Our house is the home for the hard working and honest."

Other Harry sneered quietly. Harry silently agreed, since his memories included a person called Finch-Fletchley who had been anything but a Hufflepuff and still belonged to the house. Perhaps they got their honest and hardworking _and_ the misfits.

"We're a very close group and help each other, so don't hesitate to ask for help if you need any. The dormitory password is "Unity" and any changes to it will be announced beforehand. If you notice any of your friends struggling with something, make sure to help. If you see anyone being bullied or in trouble, get a professor."

Harry doubted his Merlin self would be rushing to help others unless it benefited him somehow. He almost felt sorry for forcing the dimension hopper on the poor, unsuspecting Hufflepuffs. They wouldn't know what hit them. Or that they'd been hit in the first place.

"Our head of house will have a word with you all now", the girl prefect said smiling at them and stepping aside, letting a motherly looking woman who Harry hadn't even noticed before take the stage.

"I'm your head of house, Pom On A Sprout. I'm sure you are all tired and just want to go to sleep as quickly as possible, but first we must go over some ground rules", the woman said, smiling to them kindly. "Your curfew is at ten, and you do not want to be found wandering the hallways after that time."

That was surprisingly strict coming from the Hufflepuff head, but perhaps said more for the benefit of the students were Snape to find them - or Filch. Harry noted he was already learning to ignore the names of these people.

"The prefects will check on you each night to make sure everyone is in bed and every morning to make sure you all get up in time for breakfast and classes. You will all receive directions to classes from the prefects and the paintings in the hallways, so remember to ask them if you get lost."

Strange that she'd include the paintings in the introductions. Harry was quite sure Mac Gone-a-Gal had never included directions in her introductory speech. Did she even give one, to think of it?

"If you have any problems or worries, don't hesitate to seek me or any other professor out."

Except Snape. Unless you want to be eaten.

"Now, since I'm sure you're too tired to process much more of my speech, the prefects will show you to your dorms and you can choose the beds you will be sleeping in for the rest of your Hogwarts years. Good night, dears, the prefects will wake you up at 7."

Other Harry was fighting a sneer once again when their head of house finished. Luckily - or unluckily, depending who you were - he kept his opinions to himself and merely followed the prefect to the boys' dorm, where they chose the bed closest to the wall and with the most privacy.

* * *

 

* * *

Hogwarts, Harry decided, was very different when you're not the Boy-who-lived-to-annoy-others. Sure, people still gossiped and sometimes even stared at him because of his last name, but most of the time he went widely unnoticed. Which was a good thing, considering Other Harry's habit of creeping around to further his plans of World Domination (TM).

Other Harry spent a lot of time improving his social networks, getting to know people from all the houses and making contacts. That didn't mean he had no time for his plans of offing Moldy, though - no, he had plenty of time. In fact, the current plan of action was remarkably simple, all things considered. They had recovered the diadem of Ravenclaw from the Room of Requirement easily on one of their nightly strolls. Luckily, they also knew of a very dark ritual for destroying Horcruxes - all of them, if you had hold of just one. How very fortunate. The unfortunate bit was the fact it required all manner of rare and dangerous substances, one of them basilisk poison. Good thing they had a willing supply nearby, under their very feet in fact. The snake wasn't too hard to convince of their Slytherin heritage and donated a generous amount of her poison for the betterment of their line.

It was really laughably easy to make Moldy Snort mortal again. He could've told the man of ten better ways to reach immortality. Other Harry had gone through four of them himself - why take risks when you could avoid them? With Moldy's Horcruxes out of the way, they were free to socialize to their heart's content while planning the Headmaster's demise. Since they didn't really need to study - they had years and years' worth of knowledge, after all - school work was a joke, and Harry planned to take both his OWLs and NEWTs at the end of the year.

The Headmaster was proving to be an annoying obstacle, however. He seemed to be avoiding the harmless, little Harry Merlin for reasons unknown to them, and they could never encounter him without a horde of other professors around. Frustrated by their lack of success, the solution came one night while sitting in front of the fireplace in the Hufflepuff common room. Other Harry and his Harem - as Harry tended to call the group of girls that followed him around like lost puppies - were doing their homework while drawing warmth from the fire. Winter was fast upon them and the sky had opened its floodgates, covering the castle grounds with a white blanket of snow.

"Have you thought of what you're going to do for Christmas, Harry? Are you staying at the castle?" Susan Bones, the timid relative of Amelia Bones, asked him while frowning slightly at her Potions essay. It was few paragraphs short of the required length and she had been staring at it while chewing on her quill for the last ten minutes.

"I think I'll stay", Other Harry answered without looking up from his book, which was charmed to look like the fifth year charms book, but was in fact Dark Book of Darkness by Mr. E. Bill, not exactly approved reading by the Ministry.

"Really? You're staying? But what about your family?" Lavender Brown, a relatively new addition to the harem and a Gryffindor student in their year, asked, turning to look at them from where she and Parvati Patil, another Gryffindor student were discussing their Herbology homework.

Other Harry finally looked up from the book, frowning.

"They're dead", was all he said. All of the girls whipped their heads to look at him with a mixture of expressions ranging from horrified to blank. Other Harry didn't talk much about himself, so this was news to all of them.

"I- I'm sorry Harry, I had no idea-" Lavender started to stammer, only to be interrupted by Other Harry.

"It's okay, I never really knew them. I live alone so no one will miss me anyway."

"But Harry, don't you have a guardian or relatives who can look after you? It's not allowed for someone underage to live alone!" Hermione said worriedly from her spot next to Padma Patil, Parvati's sister.

"You could always come stay with us for the Christmas holidays", Daphne absently offered from the group focused on going through their notes for History of Magic.

"Thank you, Daphne, but I have some things I need to do at the castle. And don't worry Hermione, I'm emancipated so it hardly matters."

Harry knew that was a lie, since getting emancipated required official documents from the Ministry and Gringotts, both, and had no recollection of filling them.

"Well, if you're staying, so am I", Millicent Bulstrode, a Slytherin girl sitting near Daphne stated bluntly. A chorus of agreements filled the air as all the girls of Harry's Harem offered their consensus. Harry really had to give it to Other Harry, he knew how to manipulate people. He had gathered a tight knit, loyal group of followers within a few months with carefully chosen words and shared little secrets. Now the group of girls was tied together by trust and a common object of worry and admiration - Harry Merlin. Harry knew they wouldn't abandon Other Harry even if he told them about his plans of offing the Headmaster. Not that he would, since he liked to keep things close to his heart while offering smaller, less important facts as hidden knowledge.

Other Harry smiled at the girls making them beam back at him.

"Speaking of Christmas, Harry, I heard the professors intend to hold some sort of present sharing thing with the students staying behind. I really hope I don't get whatever Professor Snape's getting - that can't be anything pleasant", Hannah Abbot noted from her spot next to Susan. While Harry mentally grimaced, he noticed the sudden flood of activity within Other Harry's thoughts. It didn't take him long to realize what his body's current owner was thinking.

If there was a present trading event, the Headmaster, as the organizer, would be present (no pun intended) - and he'd end up with someone's gift. Now the only thing to worry about would be to make sure the present wasn't Harry's, but still offed the annoying old dwarf. What to do, what to do...

While he was mentally tapping his fingers against his chin in thought, outwardly Other Harry merely laughed and agreed with Hannah. The group continued to chatter while doing their homework and no one was any wiser of the storm brewing inside their leader's head.

* * *

 

* * *

In the end, the answer to the problem was simple. All it required was some rather advanced spellwork - a completely new but relatively simple homing charm - that'd make sure the present in question would end up in the Headmaster's arms, combined with a mild compulsion making sure no one would think it odd that the Headmaster wouldn't be switching presents after getting The One. While normally compulsions wouldn't have worked on people like Snape or Dumb Le Door, what with their impressive occlumency, Other Harry had a secret advantage. As the heir of the Founders, the Castle strengthened all of his spells and magic done within the grounds, making the mild compulsion charm both unnoticeable and extremely strong in effect.

Other Harry had gotten all the girls gifts as well. He wasn't exactly short on money with the various vaults he owned, so his Harem spent Christmas morning squealing in delight and altering between hugging him or hitting him for wasting so much money. No one in Hufflepuff even batted an eye anymore at the apparent party going on in their common room or the clash of house colours on their scarves. They'd gotten used to it rather quickly, after Other Harry hexed them with a smile on his face for trying to force Daphne and Millicent out of the common room.

Hogwarts was unusually lively that Christmas with a record number of students staying behind. Harry's Harem was a big part of them, of course, but other allies and friends of Other Harry had opted to stay as well. Hag Rid, the big boned genderbender was seen lugging a humongous fir tree through the double doors and later fixing the crushed doorway. All the students who had chosen to stay left their presents below the tree professor Fleet Wig (Harry had no trouble believing it was a wig the man was wearing, but he couldn't see where the fleet came in - perhaps the midget used to be a sailor?) was cheerfully decorating with waves of his wand. Other Harry had talked a snake to smuggling the extra present amongst them, and another to stealing one of the presents to cover the presence of the deadly gift.

Since there were no classes, Other Harry and his Harem spent most of the morning either playing board and card games in the Hufflepuff common room or having a snow war outside. The animated snowmen and snow bunnies made it more challenging, and even some of the professors joined in. It was a wet, red cheeked and nosed group that dragged themselves to Great Hall for dinner that evening.

* * *

 

* * *

In hindsight, maybe he should've been more specific when making his masterpiece - in other words, the gift the Headmaster had opened a few minutes before. The present was a fine bit of spellcraft. It had a primitive consciousness, much like a child, and was meant to carry out the death of the Headmaster while making sure the old dwarf actually died and stayed dead. It hadn't worked out quite as planned.

Perhaps it was the mutters.

Perhaps it was the childish intelligence.

Perhaps it was the language.

Perhaps he should've just AKed the old man and been done with it.

The box had done what it was meant to do, which is carry out its purpose of making the Headmaster experience death. Harry had never realized how many euphemisms of death there were, and how misleading the concept really was.

When the Headmaster had opened his present, Harry had watched from the corner of their eyes while opening the bright green and orange striped box in front of them. All pretence of opening his gift was abandoned quickly, however, in favour of staring open jawed at the spectacle going on at the other end of the table. Luckily, everyone else was busy gaping at the Headmaster and his present as well, so no one had noticed his quick uptake. It's not every day you see the Headmaster of Hogwarts getting a furious brush bath in the middle of Christmas feast.

The sputtering Headmaster had just enough time to breathe a sigh of relief as the brushes disappeared, only to be covered in what must've been a ton of spoiled food suddenly falling from the air on top of him. The food turned into thousands of passports slapping at the Headmaster while he tried to fend them away from himself, waving his hands furiously, like a demented version of a windmill. A few of the passports were caught by sudden ghostly apparitions that had the Headmaster's face blanch to an ugly shade of almost-white. Harry recognized them as the Headmaster's parents from some very old pictures he had seen in his past life. The ghosts and passports disappeared, as did the Headmaster's robes. Harry was very glad the man had the sense of wearing something below them, before new clothes appeared on him. Braided beard, straw hat and overalls really didn't suit the man, and the slap of cash he was holding in his hand made him look like a weird sort of sugar daddy. As his robes reappeared, the Headmaster started gagging and spitting out what looked like sand, while a bright light flashed in the distance, creating shadows near the man. Dumb Le Door waved furiously at Professor Snape, who finally seemed to gather his wits and banished the purple, open present box before a rather elaborate casino table had the time to properly take shape in front of the Headmaster, whose beard was starting to grow white flowers.

Other Harry stared, speechless. He absently noted the rubber duck in the box he had in his hands, while he thought furiously of what had gone wrong, before it dawned on him. Death. Language. So _that's_ what happened.

The brushes were obviously "brush with death", while the food was "expired". Passports could count as passing away, the parents were the Headmaster's makers, so to speak. And apparently the man had been buying a farm. He had bitten some dust, and seen the light at the end of the tunnel - the casino table was probably for cashing in his chips... Well, the box hadn't worked quite as it was supposed to, Other Harry thought a bit glumly, but he was sure it would've gotten to the actual Death at some point. Not that it much comforted him at the moment, since the Headmaster was alive and spitting (apparently the sand hadn't vanished with rest of the things), and he had no idea when he'd get another chance at offing the man.

As a sudden influx of noise broke out with everyone trying to talk over each other about the weird show, the Headmaster was sitting back down at his spot, trying to twinkle his eyes normally while reaching for the bowl of lemon drops near his hands. Harry noted there were some cola cubes mixed in, and the sweet Dumb Le Door had picked up was definitely dark, not yellow. He turned to listen to what Hermione was saying at his left side, when a sudden loud thump sounded from the other end of the table.

Once again, everyone turned to look at the Headmaster, and screams broke out. Professor Snape had an unattractive look of surprise on his face as he stared at the bright red form lying on the ground. Mac Gone-a-Gal let out a shrill scream that made Harry wonder if the sex changer was related to banshees or had her vocal cords replaced in an attempt gone wrong to sound more womanly. The Gryffindor Head of House rushed to the lump's side, confirming it was, indeed, the Headmaster. Snape finally realized where he was and reached for the lump's neck, feeling for a pulse. Everyone waited with bated breath.

"He's dead", Snape announced, withdrawing his hand and performing a few waves of his wand to confirm the suspicion before looking grimly at Mac Gone-a-Gal, who was sniffling and weeping away. Another wave of his wand made him raise his eyebrows as he read the text appearing in front of him.

"...He choked on a cola cube."

* * *

 

* * *

Later that night, while the professors were somewhere discussing how to proceed, Harry and his Harem were sitting in the Hufflepuff common room as usual, discussing things. The girls were quick to agree with Other Harry's opinion that the man deserved it for all the wrongs he had done - Other Harry shared many rather shady dealings of the former Headmaster with them - but wondered what the present had been about.

Hermione was quick to realize the connection between what they had seen and death euphemisms. She pointed this out to everyone, and it was deduced that either someone had wanted to prank the old man, or it was a murder attempt gone wrong. Other Harry didn't offer any light on this matter, and soon the talk turned back to guesses about what would happen now and who'd take the place of the Headmaster in his stead. Other Harry excused himself to go to the toilet when Daphne suggested Mac Gone-a-Gal for the next Headmistress.

While Other Harry stared into the mirror, Harry thought the smirk on his (was it really his own?) face was _very_ gloaty, evil, stereotype Slytherin. He spared a moment of pity for the Headmaster.

"Hope you have a nice stay in Hell, Albus", muttered his Other Self under his breath, still wearing the smirk and the mad gleam. Harry thought the Other Harry and the old headmaster would one day get along famously in Hell. After all, what's a little murder between backstabbing friends?

* * *

 

* * *

Voldemort really was a disappointment, not nearly as hard to off as the old man had been. All it took was a little careful gossip near the right ears and a quick Avada Kevadra, and the you-know-that-paedophile-creep-with-obsession-for-small-glass-wearing-seekers was no more.

Since Quirrel was his current - and highly incompetent - housing, Other Harry had no trouble at all with killing the man. Disposing of the evidence was just as easy. He simply offered his new pet, Fluffy, a delightful evening snack.

While the Daily Prophet buzzed about the disappearance of one of Hogwarts' professors and the unexpected death of its Headmaster, the Ministry was trying to settle things for the next year. Other Harry bribed some officials into letting him take his OWLs and NEWTs, and passed them with honours.

When they celebrated his success with the Harem, in the Hufflepuff common room, Other Harry finally shared the final step of his plan with them. The girls were hesitant to agree, but with some careful wording and points, they all agreed the Wizarding world needed a change - a change he could provide. A few deaths to save hundreds would be nothing.

* * *

 

* * *

It really had been too easy, Harry mused, while watching through their eyes as the girls slaughtered the ministry with determined expressions and burning eyes. Other Harry had made sure all of the girls were covered in all the ways possible - they all had at least one ritual for immortality behind them, and the small army of 20 had grown to include more and more people as Other Harry and his Harem spread their influence carefully.

It had finally lead to this, the final push and official takeover of the Wizarding World. As Hogwarts let out for the summer, they had gathered together with their army of hundreds, discussed their plans, and stormed the Ministry of Magic.

"Harry, we have the minister", a voice called from his left and Other Harry turned to look at a blood covered Hannah, dragging the fool of a minister, Cornelius Fudge, behind her. Hermione, Susan and Millicent were covering them with their wands held high and watchful. Other Harry smiled.

* * *

 

* * *

Other Harry was standing in the Headmaster's office at Hogwarts, staring out at the grounds. He had the Wizarding world in his palm. The public loved him, despite the bloody revolution. He had made sure that all the press portrayed him in the best light possible, as a liberator rather than oppressor. He didn't take the position of minister - rather, he placed someone he trusted in it. Amelia Bones was one of his many followers, and loyal to a fault, just as her daughter.

His Harem would finish their schooling and move to work in important positions, strengthening his kingdom even more. He was the Headmaster of Hogwarts, in the best position to shape the minds of the future generations to his liking. Everything was going just as planned.

Other Harry smirked slightly, sliding his finger along the glass of margarita in his hands, ready to turn from the window and return to his paperwork, when-

There was a sudden, strange shift and a distinctive feeling of _shrinking_. Harry felt another presence, and seeing himself raise his glass and stare at it with a feeling of confusion, it only took him a second to realize what had happened.

"Hello", the Original Harry greeted himself.

There was a moment of confusion, of scrambling thoughts and shared information. Then-

"Shit."

Harry1 sniggered.

* * *

 

 

* * *

**OMAKE**

Harry Potter thought he would get a new chance, a chance to make it all _right_ and save all the people that had died - Remus, Tonks, Dumbledore, Dobby, Sirius, even Snape and so many others - when Hermione told him of the way of going to the past.

He was so eager to take the chance he didn't wait for her to finish before killing her with a somewhat mispronounced Avada Kevadra, like she had just explained, and quickly chanting the spell that would use her lifeforce to plummet his soul through time and space. Too bad he really wasn't quite, well, _bright_ , and failed to consider the implications of "space" in that sentence.

He arrived at his chosen destination, where - or when - things started going wrong - the year that traumatized poor Ginny so badly - only to find himself in the headmaster's office, with a glass of margarita, watching over the scene of Hogwarts' front lawn - except, it wasn't a lawn at all, but a grand graveyard stretching all the way to the Great Lake. The look of horror on his face when he fainted and splashed the margarita all over his robes really was quite comical.

* * *

 

 

* * *

 **AN** : I'm not sure which Harry to feel sorry for.

The names are based on the theory that memory holds information in auditory form rather than literal or something like that. ...And just pure, simple sarcasm.

A thought; Is the Other Harry a paedophile as well, considering he wants to marry a 11 year old girl when he's technically in his 30s?

As usual, English isn't my first language and I have no beta. If you spot any mistakes, let me know.


End file.
